Reflections on One Year & Infertility

My baby turned one.

My baby. The one I dreamed of for years. The one I longed for through heartache and loss. I couldn’t know back then that my baby would one day be. She would be one. She would be ours.

As I peed on sticks and bought more tampons, I didn’t know she would have the brownest eyes and the straightest hair.

As I sought out doctors and read all the things online, I didn’t know she would love to read books so much, and that one book in particular.

As I started taking pills and even more vitamins and tinctures, I didn’t know that she would love nursing so much, and that her little body would curl up into mine just perfectly.

As my husband and I tried to laugh even when we felt most like crying, I didn’t know that she would have the most hilarious sense of humor and the sweetest giggle.

As we buried our first little babe who lived only inside of me, I didn’t know that she would love to watch the censer and point to Jesus at church.

As I started giving myself shots of hormones and asking myself “why”, I didn’t know that she wouldn’t cry during her immunizations, but instead nurse and cuddle me.

As we tried to be cautiously optimistic as my third pregnancy continued, I didn’t know that those tiny hands moving inside of me would one day touch my face.

So many things I didn’t know. It was only trust in His plans that got me here. To this day honoring her first year. Her being here doesn’t take away the pain and struggles. She hasn’t made me forget my losses and my sadness, but she has made my joy deep and my heart grateful.

There is still much I do not know. The future can be daunting and fearful. But today? Today is joy and love and immense gratitude. Today is faith.

Today my baby is one.

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